Where has the time gone...
I turned 50 this year and it got me thinking about what I've done with my life at this half century milestone.... The last couple of years have been a whirlwind of a global pandemic, lockdowns, pasta, rice, flour and toilet roll shortages!! The high streets have suffered and many big named stores have closed down.
I was lucky enough to be able to carry on working through, but others were not so fortunate and were either laid off or told to stay at home (not much of a hardship given the glorious weather mind!!)
It has also reminded me that I had this blog and I'd neglected it for so long I thought that it too, would have been closed down.
So here I am, June 2021, thinking about Ben's upcoming birthday and reminiscing about his birth....
18 years ago, I was 24 weeks into my pregnancy and planning
for the birth of my first child. It was an exciting time for my family as my
sister, Lyn, was also pregnant but further ahead than me, due in July.
Steve was in the army and over in Cyprus training. All was
going well with no indication of any problems. This was my 2nd pregnancy in the
last 12mths, but this one progressed past 11 weeks, so all was hopeful. As I’d
had a previous miscarriage, I was having closer care with extra checks to make
sure baby’s heart was beating.
I was still working and finding it harder to hide the bump
and was planning on ordering a maternity uniform. One night though, at bedtime,
I noticed some blood when I went to the loo.
I called the maternity ward for advice and I was told me to come
straight in for a check to be safe. I was advised not to drive, but it was the
middle of the night, I had no-one to bring me in, so they I was told to call an
ambulance. They arrived so quickly I
didn’t have time to get anything together; I was expecting to be home again the
next day anyway.
On the unit I was placed in one of the labour suites and
checked over by a midwife. There was a
bit more blood than they were happy with so a Dr came to check. Baby’s heart
was beating so they weren’t too worried but wanted me to have a scan to be
sure. By the morning, it seemed that I was in very early labour and the baby
was feet first in my womb. I was given some medication to try to slow things
down and then I was told I’d be staying
in. I didn’t have a phone with me, so
they called my Mum to come in and be with me and she arrived with my
sister. In the meantime, one of the
midwifes started trying to track down Steve from a contact she had in the army.
Eventually she came and let me know that they had found him (I only knew where
he was based in the UK and wasn’t thinking straight). So he was put on the next
plane out of there and transport arranged to get him to the hospital.
All day I was having labour pains, I didn’t realise this it
what they were as they just felt like period pain. I was given a lot of
information during the day about what was going to happen, that I was already
dilating and that baby was still breach, feet first and could be a tricky
birth. There would be a lot of medical staff in the room with Midwifes, Doctors
and SCBU nurses. I felt safe but also worried about the baby. Lyn couldn’t stay as she had to get home so
Mum stayed. I eventually gave birth to
baby Ben, 1lb 1oz and he was whisked away to be cared for. I can’t really
remember much after that apart from the tea and lovely buttered toast! Everyone
was amazing and couldn’t do enough to care for us. My mum was given a fold away
bed to be able to stay in the room with me overnight.
The next day Steve arrived and we were able to go and see
Ben. We moved into the Ty Croeso, Dawn Elizabeth house in YGC so that we could
be close to Ben. I was trying to express milk for him but it was a struggle,
producing such small amounts, it hardly seemed worth it. But the midwifes were
so encouraging and supportive, explaining this was the very best nutrition I
could give to him. He was so tiny, in an
incubator with a tube in his mouth and wires and monitors all around, beeping
loudly. I was able to sit next to his
incubator for a while but the alarms
were constant, however the calmness of the nurses eased my mind.
After a few days, he wasn’t doing too well and had developed
a problem with his intestines,
Necrotising enterocolitis, and
one on his heart, patent ductus arteriosus, so he was rushed over to Alder Hey
for 2 major operations. While waiting form Ben to be transported by ambulance,
he opened his eyes for the first time. It was beautiful. We were transferred to Liverpool Women’s
hospital but the family rooms there were only for overnight stays so we had to
travel visit him. After 3 weeks, and once friends and family had had a chance
to visit, we had to make a very hard decision.
He was on a machine that was controlling his breathing, he was on
monitors and having his bloods checked constantly. We needed to do what was
best for Ben, he wasn’t breathing for himself, this wasn’t living. All the
advice pointed to him being very poorly and we agreed that it would be the best
for him to take him off the machines and let him go. We had our first and last
proper cuddle with him that day and it was so special to have the time with
him. We both kissed his warm little head as he slipped away.
We collected all his little toys from his incubator
including his little mousey – we didn’t want it to be lost as he was going to
be buried with it. The Nurses were
lovely, taking hand and footprints, a little lock of his hair and putting a
memory box together. The next couple of weeks were a blur of informing family
and friends, arranging the funeral and coming to terms with Ben’s passing.
Normal joviality will resume - hopefully - please bear with me xx
